I am fed up, completely and utterly fed up.
I have spent another day in the pursuit of happiness and failed. Yet again I find myself overwhelmed by unhappiness, depression and hopelessness. I have made numerous attempts to pull myself together and it’s just not happening.
I’m angry today, angry at my condition, angry at my medication, angry at my inability to get better.
On paper I’ve done well this week- looked after my children all week, managed the back to school routine, cooked, cleaned and coped. The list of things I haven’t managed is still bigger and the simple things I can’t cope with frustrates me. I spend my days feeling restless and agitated with nothing to do and no impetuous to do anything. On reflection I can’t believe the past week has just been a week, it feels far longer.
I find myself longing for the highs more than ever, I know each high brought a corresponding low but at the moment it’s a risk I’m willing to take. The highs brought their own agitation and restlessness but it could be satisfied by carrying out any of the hundreds of wonderful ideas I had, now I have no ideas.
I’m due to see my psychiatrist on Monday to discuss the pervading depression I don’t know what I expect her to do or say, I just need some hope.