So without being actually able to categorically say it, here we are, on the eve of the day that was supposed to signal a good time for me, a great time. It is widely expected that tomorrow, Gordon Brown will call a general election.
Those of you who know me well and probably those of you who don't even know me very well will know that I am an all or nothing kind of girl, I don't do anything by halves. I suspect I am the first Labour PPC in North East Fife (12500 Lid-Dem majority) that stood up at a selection hustings and said-
"many people say that North East Fife is an unwinnable seat for Labour- I disagree, we just haven't won it yet and I believe I can help us do it."
Now I wasn't big headed or foolish enough to believe that my 4 years spent on various committees, boards and groups, writing press releases on beach cleaning, lamppost design, dog fouling and school buildings, painting planters on roundabouts, cleaning litter from schools, serving tea and sandwiches to pensioners, familiarising myself with the Local Plan and learning more about planning regulations than is healthy was going to be enough to convince the voters of North east Fife to do the right thing on May 6th (or whenever). But I was passionate about my role and absolutely determined to do the right thing by the people I sought to represent. I love elections and I was particularly looking forward to this one.
I don't want to turn this blogpost into a party political broadcast, I want to use it to tell an uncomfortable truth- but at the same time I'd hate to miss the chance to say this.
I really believe that the people of North East Fife have put up far too long with a reputation that perpetuates the image of the constituency as a giant holiday village or a rural suburb of Edinburgh. The truth is we are beset by the same housing, employment and social problems as Central and West Fife.
Scotland's oldest university on your doorstep makes no difference if you leave school at 16 with no qualifications. Blue flag beaches in the neighbouring town are great if you have the time, money and transport to enjoy them.
We are in the grip of a housing crisis all over North east Fife and communities are struggling daily with problems caused by anti-social behaviour, poverty and drug and alcohol misuse.
North east Fife is "not deprived" enough to attract much in the way of funding to establish projects and initiatives to help communities, groups, families and individuals combat these problems in fact it has been an effort to get recognition that these issues even exist.
I live in North East Fife and I make no secret of my adoration for my adopted home but I know it's not the utopia it's painted as, I know it's the same as everywhere else. I really believe the people of North East Fife deserve someone to stand up for them in Parliament, to make things better- for the many, not the few.
And there endeth the lesson! Now on to the real reason for my post and the reason there haven't been any others.
Those of you who read my blog will know that at the end of October last year, the Non-Political parent decided to end our seemingly lovely coalition, I'm not going to rehash it, you can read all about it below.
This event proved to be the catalyst for one of the most devastating things I have ever faced and something that will change who I am and what I do, how I see the world and how the world sees me. That's if I ever willingly leave my house again!
Now true to form, I will start in pedantic mode as the definition I am about to use for what I have been through is actually meaningless and isn't in fact a clinical term, but I think it will serve to explain to those of you that haven't had the extensive education I have had in the last few months about such things.
I had a nervous breakdown (at least once!)
As devastating a 'diagnosis' as that may seem I don't think it comes close to describing the pain, fear, sadness and uncertainty that I have experienced lately.
I don't want to go into the various diagnoses that have been punted my way recently, I want to use this as an opportunity to 'come out' I suppose. What my labels may or may not be isn't important, but what this experience has taught me about myself, others and mental health is.
What has it taught me about myself? Well I had neglected my mental and emotional health, as many of us do. My coping strategies for dealing with stress were not mentally healthy and I'm assured it was only a matter of time before I ended up where I am now- reluctantly, I concur!
Something I'm much less comfortable about is that my own experience has shone a light on my prejudices- prejudices I believed I didn't have, being a good lefty and all that.
I was ashamed in a way I wouldn't have been if I had been incapacitated by a physical illness or accident, I hid and lied as I was unable to say "I am depressed" partly because me being anything seems to scare people- I've spent 30-odd years being "Zoe" but also because I had derided depression and was one of the "yeah, get over it" or if it's really bad "yeah, take drugs and get over it" brigade.
Don't get me wrong I don't generally lack compassion I just never realised how debilitating depression could be. I have had brief dalliances with depression in the past but my determination to "get a grip and get over it" whatever dodgy coping strategies I employed seemed like a good enough answer. It wasn't.
I'm not ashamed now to say that I have mental health problems *noise of future career in politics being flushed down the toilet* but I am ashamed of my previously held beliefs. I'm not quite at the point yet where I can say I'm glad my misconceptions have been challenged in this way but I will be.
My recent illness has taught me a lot about other people and their reaction to mental health too. Those I have 'come out' to assure me that if anyone can beat this I can. Whilst I'm delighted by their optimism, this statement often belies a need from others for me to go back to being who I was before. The truth is I will never be who I was before- who I was before was very efficient but not particularly happy, balanced or healthy.
Living in what is essentially a giant village and having a bit of a public profile is difficult as well. The receptionist at the local (brand new Labour built) hospital could barely hide her surprise when I turned up for my psychiatrist appointment- she hasn't looked me in the eye when I've booked in for the subsequent ones and I dread running into someone that wants to talk about planning, green belt or housing when the only contact I have with the outside world is watching Glee on a Monday.
Obviously my timing sucks so I've had to share some details of my health problems with local party members. Again, for the most part members have been sympathetic but I am 'the candidate' and I promised to do a job and there is a huge expectation that one day soon the drugs will kick in and I'll be facing Ming and Miles at a farming hustings in no time. as much as I'd like this to be the case- it's unlikely. I am getting better but it takes more than medication- it takes time and help.
It's too late now for me not to be 'the candidate' but I will not be the candidate I promised to be. What I would like is for others to see just what an achievement it will be if I can make it to the count with a smile on my face, an air of calm and a freshly ironed rosette- that's my goal. If it helps- imagine I did have a bad accident at the beginning of November!
I am currently absent from work and generally out of the loop. One of the hardest things is admitting I can't do it, I need to recover. I haven't read a newspaper for months let alone followed local, national and UK politics in the way only we political anoraks do! I miss it and I'm still vain enough to hope it misses me.
Again, many of you have proved to be great friends, at a time when I have been less than communicative- I haven't Tweeted in over two months and my Facebook status has been static too. I don't answer my phone (nothing new there!) and again email is my friend. I'd like to say thanks to those of you who have kept in touch.
I missed Scottish Conference and I am devastated that I am missing out on the election. If I'm honest I'm dreading the 'starting gun' being fired tomorrow or whenever. I am bombarded daily with emails from the party, assured that the following days and weeks will bring more emails, texts messages and even conference calls- at a time when I have to put 'get up, get dressed' on my to-do list (and today I have yet to do it- it's 3pm). I have come a long way on my recovery journey but I still have a long way to go.
Just in case you were all worried that I'd turned my back on politics completely, I will now seek to reassure you.
When I am better, NHS Fife and the Scottish Government will be sorry! I am astonished and disgusted by mental health care provision (or rather lack of it) it's a system that just can't cope and nobody seems in a hurry to do much about it. Accessing services seems to depend a lot on health professionals 'doing each other favours' and squeezing patients in where they can. The waiting list to see a psychologist in Fife is 9 months!
Specialist treatment for some conditions is based on outdated qualification criteria- imagine a heroin addict being told they don't take enough heroin to qualify for rehab and you have a good idea of what it's been like to be told that however sick you are you're not sick enough to get the treatment you need. Inpatient treatment provision is poor and generally believed, within the profession to be detrimental at best for most patients due to quality and type of care available.
Mental health problems tend to be very pervasive- in my case the children have had to go and live with the Non-Political parent (aka The Catalyst/That Bastard) away from their home, schools and friends as I am unable to care for them. I am not at work and the longer my illness continues the worse the effects become- not just on me but on others too.
NHS Fife are in no hurry to provide me with the services I need to get well and, comrades, to my shame, I wished I had private medical insurance in order to access the treatment I need- now.
I am lucky that I have a very good GP and have been blessed with a fantastic CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and without them I wouldn't have got as far as I have but they are as frustrated by the fight for services as I am. It is difficult not to feel hopeless in the face of it all.
I am analogising as I don't want to publish my medical details but lets just say I currently have a broken leg- I was referred to someone to have it plastered on the 30th of November- I have an appointment for the 17th of May. There is no consideration for the effects of this delay on my family or job. This all comes at a time when I am least able to be my own advocate- if this was happening to anyone else I would be campaigning on their behalf.
So there you go, I am ill, not as ill as I was but a long way off being well. It's taken ages for me to come to terms with my illness, its effects and implications but I'm getting there and going public is all part of that process.
So this election will largely pass me by and I am heartbroken.
I would like to wish all my fellow PPC's, MP's and activists lots of luck and energy for the campaign and I would like to apologise to everyone for the awful timing of my illness but I will be back at some point. Hopefully better for the experience.
Finally, any mental health organisations looking for a very hard-working, sympathetic lobbyist can contact me via the blog- though you may want to wait a little while!