Today started at 100mph courtesy of my 5 year old. By 9am we’d baked bread and done some art and I was out of energy and ideas. We walked to the shop I felt tired and ill and couldn’t wait for 12.30 to come so I could ship him off to nursery for a couple of hours. I stayed calm, reminded myself that most parents of most 5 year olds felt exactly the same way, this was not mental illness this was life.
With the hideous budget ringing in my ears, I dropped the youngest at nursery, went and picked up my newly-repaired phone then went to pick up my middle child to take her to the dentist. After the dentist was finished with her we went for a few groceries, collected the youngest from nursery and came home.
There was the traditional ‘just in from school’ flurry of excitement, paired with the ‘lets get the sprinkler on and soak ourselves, the kitchen and all the towels in the house’ flurry of excitement followed by the relative calm of dinner.
Sometime after dinner the youngest child was collected by his dad for a couple of nights. Shortly afterward I did something I haven’t done for a while (and at one point something I vowed never to do again) and I attended a meeting of my constituency Labour Party (CLP).
Attending this meeting, in spite of its appearance (a large-ish handful of members in a small hut on the end of a harbour) marked a huge milestone for me. It was the first time I’d been around people who I felt had badly let me down when I was at my lowest ebb. It was the first time the new me was revealed to those more familiar with the old me. It was the first time I have said ‘no’ to holding two positions of responsibility within the local party.
I even declared my intention to stand for selection to contest the Scottish Parliament elections in 2011.
That was a conversation stopper I can tell you.
So why did I do it? Well I did it for all the reasons I did it last time, I still believe local people deserve a local choice, I still believe people in my constituency are being let down by the Lib-Dems, I still think that there are huge numbers of people in North East Fife who go unrepresented.
I also did it for me. This is what I want to do and I feel ready to start thinking about doing it again. I’m not stupid enough to think if there was an election tomorrow I’d be fit enough to stand in it but I reckon by next May I will be. I also now have a whole new area of expertise to campaign on!
So there you go, I’ve said it out loud now, it makes it real, though it’s been real in my head for a long time now. As well as all the other reasons to beat/manage this illness I have this to add but it feels more like a carrot than a stick and my donkey likes carrots.
All I have to do now is convince local members I’m worth another shot………
Showing posts with label Labour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Labour. Show all posts
Ooh Look a Shiny Thing!
I sat down tonight determined to get started on “Bipolar Disorder for Dummies” kindly lent to me by my fantastic CPN but it just wasn’t happening. I still have the concentration span of a gnat on acid and I’m beginning to fear it will ever return to normal.
I’ve never been a particularly tranquil kind of person but I could sit for hours with a good book and would happily read every newspaper every day if I had the time but now I struggle to make it from one end of a text message to another.
Even the spoken word is causing me problems- 5 minutes into any conversation and it all becomes largely meaningless (sorry to all of you who have engaged me in conversation lately). I like to think I’m doing a great job pretending that I am half of the conversation but I’m not too sure.
I have amassed an enormous pile of books and self help material to help me on my journey but I just can’t sit and read any of it. Possibly because some of its shit and possibly because I just assume some of its shit but I’m convinced there’s some good stuff in there and I just don’t have the staying power to get at it.
I still write, notes, diary entries, mood charts, lists of things to do, lists of things done, lists of things to remember and of course I write my blog. But I can’t even concentrate to read the stuff I’ve written!
I’m not sure what purpose all this writing has but I do find myself compelled to do it, I am never far from a pen and notebook and I find myself inextricably drawn to stationery shops where I can spend minutes deciding on just the perfect notebook to fill with thoughts, fears and ideas on my journey through mental illness.
I like to think that my writing is my own form of self help but perhaps I am fooling myself. I am surrounded by a veritable library of books on various aspects of mental illness all written by people better informed than I am yet I prefer to note
“on the verge of a panic attack so have retreated to my room to try and get through it. Don’t want to take Lorazepam as it’s too close to bedtime and I need it to sleep”
Very closely followed by
“think ‘panic attack’ was actually Lorazepam withdrawal so took some”
I suppose it’s self help in a way as it helped me decide to start writing down (in yet another notebook) when and why I am taking Lorazepam!
I hate not being able to concentrate, it makes me feel permanently out of the loop, particularly where politics is concerned- basically I have no idea what’s going on and am unable to react to the snippets I have managed to grasp.
Perhaps though there is the proof that writing does help as I can’t remember the last time I even though about politics, let alone my own engagement with it. It does make me very easy prey for the Labour leadership contenders- whichever one contacts me last before I place my vote will get it as I'll have forgotten what the others said- so the race is on, whoever you are!
So I’ll keep on writing, in notebooks, on my whiteboard, on post-its and on my blog in the hope that in some sort of bio-feedback way I become able to concentrate on output again sometime soon.
I’ve never been a particularly tranquil kind of person but I could sit for hours with a good book and would happily read every newspaper every day if I had the time but now I struggle to make it from one end of a text message to another.
Even the spoken word is causing me problems- 5 minutes into any conversation and it all becomes largely meaningless (sorry to all of you who have engaged me in conversation lately). I like to think I’m doing a great job pretending that I am half of the conversation but I’m not too sure.
I have amassed an enormous pile of books and self help material to help me on my journey but I just can’t sit and read any of it. Possibly because some of its shit and possibly because I just assume some of its shit but I’m convinced there’s some good stuff in there and I just don’t have the staying power to get at it.
I still write, notes, diary entries, mood charts, lists of things to do, lists of things done, lists of things to remember and of course I write my blog. But I can’t even concentrate to read the stuff I’ve written!
I’m not sure what purpose all this writing has but I do find myself compelled to do it, I am never far from a pen and notebook and I find myself inextricably drawn to stationery shops where I can spend minutes deciding on just the perfect notebook to fill with thoughts, fears and ideas on my journey through mental illness.
I like to think that my writing is my own form of self help but perhaps I am fooling myself. I am surrounded by a veritable library of books on various aspects of mental illness all written by people better informed than I am yet I prefer to note
“on the verge of a panic attack so have retreated to my room to try and get through it. Don’t want to take Lorazepam as it’s too close to bedtime and I need it to sleep”
Very closely followed by
“think ‘panic attack’ was actually Lorazepam withdrawal so took some”
I suppose it’s self help in a way as it helped me decide to start writing down (in yet another notebook) when and why I am taking Lorazepam!
I hate not being able to concentrate, it makes me feel permanently out of the loop, particularly where politics is concerned- basically I have no idea what’s going on and am unable to react to the snippets I have managed to grasp.
Perhaps though there is the proof that writing does help as I can’t remember the last time I even though about politics, let alone my own engagement with it. It does make me very easy prey for the Labour leadership contenders- whichever one contacts me last before I place my vote will get it as I'll have forgotten what the others said- so the race is on, whoever you are!
So I’ll keep on writing, in notebooks, on my whiteboard, on post-its and on my blog in the hope that in some sort of bio-feedback way I become able to concentrate on output again sometime soon.
Political Patient
So without being actually able to categorically say it, here we are, on the eve of the day that was supposed to signal a good time for me, a great time. It is widely expected that tomorrow, Gordon Brown will call a general election.
Those of you who know me well and probably those of you who don't even know me very well will know that I am an all or nothing kind of girl, I don't do anything by halves. I suspect I am the first Labour PPC in North East Fife (12500 Lid-Dem majority) that stood up at a selection hustings and said-
"many people say that North East Fife is an unwinnable seat for Labour- I disagree, we just haven't won it yet and I believe I can help us do it."
Now I wasn't big headed or foolish enough to believe that my 4 years spent on various committees, boards and groups, writing press releases on beach cleaning, lamppost design, dog fouling and school buildings, painting planters on roundabouts, cleaning litter from schools, serving tea and sandwiches to pensioners, familiarising myself with the Local Plan and learning more about planning regulations than is healthy was going to be enough to convince the voters of North east Fife to do the right thing on May 6th (or whenever). But I was passionate about my role and absolutely determined to do the right thing by the people I sought to represent. I love elections and I was particularly looking forward to this one.
I don't want to turn this blogpost into a party political broadcast, I want to use it to tell an uncomfortable truth- but at the same time I'd hate to miss the chance to say this.
I really believe that the people of North East Fife have put up far too long with a reputation that perpetuates the image of the constituency as a giant holiday village or a rural suburb of Edinburgh. The truth is we are beset by the same housing, employment and social problems as Central and West Fife.
Scotland's oldest university on your doorstep makes no difference if you leave school at 16 with no qualifications. Blue flag beaches in the neighbouring town are great if you have the time, money and transport to enjoy them.
We are in the grip of a housing crisis all over North east Fife and communities are struggling daily with problems caused by anti-social behaviour, poverty and drug and alcohol misuse.
North east Fife is "not deprived" enough to attract much in the way of funding to establish projects and initiatives to help communities, groups, families and individuals combat these problems in fact it has been an effort to get recognition that these issues even exist.
I live in North East Fife and I make no secret of my adoration for my adopted home but I know it's not the utopia it's painted as, I know it's the same as everywhere else. I really believe the people of North East Fife deserve someone to stand up for them in Parliament, to make things better- for the many, not the few.
And there endeth the lesson! Now on to the real reason for my post and the reason there haven't been any others.
Those of you who read my blog will know that at the end of October last year, the Non-Political parent decided to end our seemingly lovely coalition, I'm not going to rehash it, you can read all about it below.
This event proved to be the catalyst for one of the most devastating things I have ever faced and something that will change who I am and what I do, how I see the world and how the world sees me. That's if I ever willingly leave my house again!
Now true to form, I will start in pedantic mode as the definition I am about to use for what I have been through is actually meaningless and isn't in fact a clinical term, but I think it will serve to explain to those of you that haven't had the extensive education I have had in the last few months about such things.
I had a nervous breakdown (at least once!)
As devastating a 'diagnosis' as that may seem I don't think it comes close to describing the pain, fear, sadness and uncertainty that I have experienced lately.
I don't want to go into the various diagnoses that have been punted my way recently, I want to use this as an opportunity to 'come out' I suppose. What my labels may or may not be isn't important, but what this experience has taught me about myself, others and mental health is.
What has it taught me about myself? Well I had neglected my mental and emotional health, as many of us do. My coping strategies for dealing with stress were not mentally healthy and I'm assured it was only a matter of time before I ended up where I am now- reluctantly, I concur!
Something I'm much less comfortable about is that my own experience has shone a light on my prejudices- prejudices I believed I didn't have, being a good lefty and all that.
I was ashamed in a way I wouldn't have been if I had been incapacitated by a physical illness or accident, I hid and lied as I was unable to say "I am depressed" partly because me being anything seems to scare people- I've spent 30-odd years being "Zoe" but also because I had derided depression and was one of the "yeah, get over it" or if it's really bad "yeah, take drugs and get over it" brigade.
Don't get me wrong I don't generally lack compassion I just never realised how debilitating depression could be. I have had brief dalliances with depression in the past but my determination to "get a grip and get over it" whatever dodgy coping strategies I employed seemed like a good enough answer. It wasn't.
I'm not ashamed now to say that I have mental health problems *noise of future career in politics being flushed down the toilet* but I am ashamed of my previously held beliefs. I'm not quite at the point yet where I can say I'm glad my misconceptions have been challenged in this way but I will be.
My recent illness has taught me a lot about other people and their reaction to mental health too. Those I have 'come out' to assure me that if anyone can beat this I can. Whilst I'm delighted by their optimism, this statement often belies a need from others for me to go back to being who I was before. The truth is I will never be who I was before- who I was before was very efficient but not particularly happy, balanced or healthy.
Living in what is essentially a giant village and having a bit of a public profile is difficult as well. The receptionist at the local (brand new Labour built) hospital could barely hide her surprise when I turned up for my psychiatrist appointment- she hasn't looked me in the eye when I've booked in for the subsequent ones and I dread running into someone that wants to talk about planning, green belt or housing when the only contact I have with the outside world is watching Glee on a Monday.
Obviously my timing sucks so I've had to share some details of my health problems with local party members. Again, for the most part members have been sympathetic but I am 'the candidate' and I promised to do a job and there is a huge expectation that one day soon the drugs will kick in and I'll be facing Ming and Miles at a farming hustings in no time. as much as I'd like this to be the case- it's unlikely. I am getting better but it takes more than medication- it takes time and help.
It's too late now for me not to be 'the candidate' but I will not be the candidate I promised to be. What I would like is for others to see just what an achievement it will be if I can make it to the count with a smile on my face, an air of calm and a freshly ironed rosette- that's my goal. If it helps- imagine I did have a bad accident at the beginning of November!
I am currently absent from work and generally out of the loop. One of the hardest things is admitting I can't do it, I need to recover. I haven't read a newspaper for months let alone followed local, national and UK politics in the way only we political anoraks do! I miss it and I'm still vain enough to hope it misses me.
Again, many of you have proved to be great friends, at a time when I have been less than communicative- I haven't Tweeted in over two months and my Facebook status has been static too. I don't answer my phone (nothing new there!) and again email is my friend. I'd like to say thanks to those of you who have kept in touch.
I missed Scottish Conference and I am devastated that I am missing out on the election. If I'm honest I'm dreading the 'starting gun' being fired tomorrow or whenever. I am bombarded daily with emails from the party, assured that the following days and weeks will bring more emails, texts messages and even conference calls- at a time when I have to put 'get up, get dressed' on my to-do list (and today I have yet to do it- it's 3pm). I have come a long way on my recovery journey but I still have a long way to go.
Just in case you were all worried that I'd turned my back on politics completely, I will now seek to reassure you.
When I am better, NHS Fife and the Scottish Government will be sorry! I am astonished and disgusted by mental health care provision (or rather lack of it) it's a system that just can't cope and nobody seems in a hurry to do much about it. Accessing services seems to depend a lot on health professionals 'doing each other favours' and squeezing patients in where they can. The waiting list to see a psychologist in Fife is 9 months!
Specialist treatment for some conditions is based on outdated qualification criteria- imagine a heroin addict being told they don't take enough heroin to qualify for rehab and you have a good idea of what it's been like to be told that however sick you are you're not sick enough to get the treatment you need. Inpatient treatment provision is poor and generally believed, within the profession to be detrimental at best for most patients due to quality and type of care available.
Mental health problems tend to be very pervasive- in my case the children have had to go and live with the Non-Political parent (aka The Catalyst/That Bastard) away from their home, schools and friends as I am unable to care for them. I am not at work and the longer my illness continues the worse the effects become- not just on me but on others too.
NHS Fife are in no hurry to provide me with the services I need to get well and, comrades, to my shame, I wished I had private medical insurance in order to access the treatment I need- now.
I am lucky that I have a very good GP and have been blessed with a fantastic CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and without them I wouldn't have got as far as I have but they are as frustrated by the fight for services as I am. It is difficult not to feel hopeless in the face of it all.
I am analogising as I don't want to publish my medical details but lets just say I currently have a broken leg- I was referred to someone to have it plastered on the 30th of November- I have an appointment for the 17th of May. There is no consideration for the effects of this delay on my family or job. This all comes at a time when I am least able to be my own advocate- if this was happening to anyone else I would be campaigning on their behalf.
So there you go, I am ill, not as ill as I was but a long way off being well. It's taken ages for me to come to terms with my illness, its effects and implications but I'm getting there and going public is all part of that process.
So this election will largely pass me by and I am heartbroken.
I would like to wish all my fellow PPC's, MP's and activists lots of luck and energy for the campaign and I would like to apologise to everyone for the awful timing of my illness but I will be back at some point. Hopefully better for the experience.
Finally, any mental health organisations looking for a very hard-working, sympathetic lobbyist can contact me via the blog- though you may want to wait a little while!
Those of you who know me well and probably those of you who don't even know me very well will know that I am an all or nothing kind of girl, I don't do anything by halves. I suspect I am the first Labour PPC in North East Fife (12500 Lid-Dem majority) that stood up at a selection hustings and said-
"many people say that North East Fife is an unwinnable seat for Labour- I disagree, we just haven't won it yet and I believe I can help us do it."
Now I wasn't big headed or foolish enough to believe that my 4 years spent on various committees, boards and groups, writing press releases on beach cleaning, lamppost design, dog fouling and school buildings, painting planters on roundabouts, cleaning litter from schools, serving tea and sandwiches to pensioners, familiarising myself with the Local Plan and learning more about planning regulations than is healthy was going to be enough to convince the voters of North east Fife to do the right thing on May 6th (or whenever). But I was passionate about my role and absolutely determined to do the right thing by the people I sought to represent. I love elections and I was particularly looking forward to this one.
I don't want to turn this blogpost into a party political broadcast, I want to use it to tell an uncomfortable truth- but at the same time I'd hate to miss the chance to say this.
I really believe that the people of North East Fife have put up far too long with a reputation that perpetuates the image of the constituency as a giant holiday village or a rural suburb of Edinburgh. The truth is we are beset by the same housing, employment and social problems as Central and West Fife.
Scotland's oldest university on your doorstep makes no difference if you leave school at 16 with no qualifications. Blue flag beaches in the neighbouring town are great if you have the time, money and transport to enjoy them.
We are in the grip of a housing crisis all over North east Fife and communities are struggling daily with problems caused by anti-social behaviour, poverty and drug and alcohol misuse.
North east Fife is "not deprived" enough to attract much in the way of funding to establish projects and initiatives to help communities, groups, families and individuals combat these problems in fact it has been an effort to get recognition that these issues even exist.
I live in North East Fife and I make no secret of my adoration for my adopted home but I know it's not the utopia it's painted as, I know it's the same as everywhere else. I really believe the people of North East Fife deserve someone to stand up for them in Parliament, to make things better- for the many, not the few.
And there endeth the lesson! Now on to the real reason for my post and the reason there haven't been any others.
Those of you who read my blog will know that at the end of October last year, the Non-Political parent decided to end our seemingly lovely coalition, I'm not going to rehash it, you can read all about it below.
This event proved to be the catalyst for one of the most devastating things I have ever faced and something that will change who I am and what I do, how I see the world and how the world sees me. That's if I ever willingly leave my house again!
Now true to form, I will start in pedantic mode as the definition I am about to use for what I have been through is actually meaningless and isn't in fact a clinical term, but I think it will serve to explain to those of you that haven't had the extensive education I have had in the last few months about such things.
I had a nervous breakdown (at least once!)
As devastating a 'diagnosis' as that may seem I don't think it comes close to describing the pain, fear, sadness and uncertainty that I have experienced lately.
I don't want to go into the various diagnoses that have been punted my way recently, I want to use this as an opportunity to 'come out' I suppose. What my labels may or may not be isn't important, but what this experience has taught me about myself, others and mental health is.
What has it taught me about myself? Well I had neglected my mental and emotional health, as many of us do. My coping strategies for dealing with stress were not mentally healthy and I'm assured it was only a matter of time before I ended up where I am now- reluctantly, I concur!
Something I'm much less comfortable about is that my own experience has shone a light on my prejudices- prejudices I believed I didn't have, being a good lefty and all that.
I was ashamed in a way I wouldn't have been if I had been incapacitated by a physical illness or accident, I hid and lied as I was unable to say "I am depressed" partly because me being anything seems to scare people- I've spent 30-odd years being "Zoe" but also because I had derided depression and was one of the "yeah, get over it" or if it's really bad "yeah, take drugs and get over it" brigade.
Don't get me wrong I don't generally lack compassion I just never realised how debilitating depression could be. I have had brief dalliances with depression in the past but my determination to "get a grip and get over it" whatever dodgy coping strategies I employed seemed like a good enough answer. It wasn't.
I'm not ashamed now to say that I have mental health problems *noise of future career in politics being flushed down the toilet* but I am ashamed of my previously held beliefs. I'm not quite at the point yet where I can say I'm glad my misconceptions have been challenged in this way but I will be.
My recent illness has taught me a lot about other people and their reaction to mental health too. Those I have 'come out' to assure me that if anyone can beat this I can. Whilst I'm delighted by their optimism, this statement often belies a need from others for me to go back to being who I was before. The truth is I will never be who I was before- who I was before was very efficient but not particularly happy, balanced or healthy.
Living in what is essentially a giant village and having a bit of a public profile is difficult as well. The receptionist at the local (brand new Labour built) hospital could barely hide her surprise when I turned up for my psychiatrist appointment- she hasn't looked me in the eye when I've booked in for the subsequent ones and I dread running into someone that wants to talk about planning, green belt or housing when the only contact I have with the outside world is watching Glee on a Monday.
Obviously my timing sucks so I've had to share some details of my health problems with local party members. Again, for the most part members have been sympathetic but I am 'the candidate' and I promised to do a job and there is a huge expectation that one day soon the drugs will kick in and I'll be facing Ming and Miles at a farming hustings in no time. as much as I'd like this to be the case- it's unlikely. I am getting better but it takes more than medication- it takes time and help.
It's too late now for me not to be 'the candidate' but I will not be the candidate I promised to be. What I would like is for others to see just what an achievement it will be if I can make it to the count with a smile on my face, an air of calm and a freshly ironed rosette- that's my goal. If it helps- imagine I did have a bad accident at the beginning of November!
I am currently absent from work and generally out of the loop. One of the hardest things is admitting I can't do it, I need to recover. I haven't read a newspaper for months let alone followed local, national and UK politics in the way only we political anoraks do! I miss it and I'm still vain enough to hope it misses me.
Again, many of you have proved to be great friends, at a time when I have been less than communicative- I haven't Tweeted in over two months and my Facebook status has been static too. I don't answer my phone (nothing new there!) and again email is my friend. I'd like to say thanks to those of you who have kept in touch.
I missed Scottish Conference and I am devastated that I am missing out on the election. If I'm honest I'm dreading the 'starting gun' being fired tomorrow or whenever. I am bombarded daily with emails from the party, assured that the following days and weeks will bring more emails, texts messages and even conference calls- at a time when I have to put 'get up, get dressed' on my to-do list (and today I have yet to do it- it's 3pm). I have come a long way on my recovery journey but I still have a long way to go.
Just in case you were all worried that I'd turned my back on politics completely, I will now seek to reassure you.
When I am better, NHS Fife and the Scottish Government will be sorry! I am astonished and disgusted by mental health care provision (or rather lack of it) it's a system that just can't cope and nobody seems in a hurry to do much about it. Accessing services seems to depend a lot on health professionals 'doing each other favours' and squeezing patients in where they can. The waiting list to see a psychologist in Fife is 9 months!
Specialist treatment for some conditions is based on outdated qualification criteria- imagine a heroin addict being told they don't take enough heroin to qualify for rehab and you have a good idea of what it's been like to be told that however sick you are you're not sick enough to get the treatment you need. Inpatient treatment provision is poor and generally believed, within the profession to be detrimental at best for most patients due to quality and type of care available.
Mental health problems tend to be very pervasive- in my case the children have had to go and live with the Non-Political parent (aka The Catalyst/That Bastard) away from their home, schools and friends as I am unable to care for them. I am not at work and the longer my illness continues the worse the effects become- not just on me but on others too.
NHS Fife are in no hurry to provide me with the services I need to get well and, comrades, to my shame, I wished I had private medical insurance in order to access the treatment I need- now.
I am lucky that I have a very good GP and have been blessed with a fantastic CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and without them I wouldn't have got as far as I have but they are as frustrated by the fight for services as I am. It is difficult not to feel hopeless in the face of it all.
I am analogising as I don't want to publish my medical details but lets just say I currently have a broken leg- I was referred to someone to have it plastered on the 30th of November- I have an appointment for the 17th of May. There is no consideration for the effects of this delay on my family or job. This all comes at a time when I am least able to be my own advocate- if this was happening to anyone else I would be campaigning on their behalf.
So there you go, I am ill, not as ill as I was but a long way off being well. It's taken ages for me to come to terms with my illness, its effects and implications but I'm getting there and going public is all part of that process.
So this election will largely pass me by and I am heartbroken.
I would like to wish all my fellow PPC's, MP's and activists lots of luck and energy for the campaign and I would like to apologise to everyone for the awful timing of my illness but I will be back at some point. Hopefully better for the experience.
Finally, any mental health organisations looking for a very hard-working, sympathetic lobbyist can contact me via the blog- though you may want to wait a little while!
Labels:
depression,
election,
Fife,
Glee,
health,
Labour,
Mental Health,
NHS,
PPC
The Rest of My Life
Around this time last week, the man I love and have spent the last ten years of my life loving loyally, told me he wasn't happy- the following evening he walked out of my life for good.
So as I ponder whether to change the name of my blog to 'Political Single-Parent', life, it appears goes on- just not for me.
I will spare you the gory details of my emotional rollercoaster so far and for those of you who have visited, called and texted I say both thank you and sorry.
I'm not sure where recent events leave my foray into the blogospehere as I can't imagine giving a shit about anything again, let alone getting involved and then writing about it. I look at the person I was and see the intrinsic part the non-political parent played in who I was and what I did, and I can't imagine ever being 'me' again without him.
I feel so far removed from the woman in the Scottish Labour kagoule door knocking in Springburn last week, I can't really see a way back. I have the challenge of raising 3 children alone to face- at a point in my life when straightening my hair seems futile and too much of an effort.
I have had to hand over all my local political (with a small 'p') work to others and I don't see me being confident or assertive enough to ever take those roles back. I haven't read a newspaper all week and now wonder why I ever thought the kinds of things I did were important.
My answering machine has messages on it from locals defending me after an attack in the local paper- a situation I knew nothing about and couldn't care less about.
For a woman that used to assess many situations in terms of political capital and votes gained when the time came, I am perhaps just getting a glimpse of real life instead of playing the game and maybe it's no less than I deserve?
Besides I have discovered that I am not very resilient and really really don't handle rejection well so perhaps standing as Labour candidate in North East Fife (12500 Lib-Dem majority) is the last thing my battered self-esteem needs..........
So as I ponder whether to change the name of my blog to 'Political Single-Parent', life, it appears goes on- just not for me.
I will spare you the gory details of my emotional rollercoaster so far and for those of you who have visited, called and texted I say both thank you and sorry.
I'm not sure where recent events leave my foray into the blogospehere as I can't imagine giving a shit about anything again, let alone getting involved and then writing about it. I look at the person I was and see the intrinsic part the non-political parent played in who I was and what I did, and I can't imagine ever being 'me' again without him.
I feel so far removed from the woman in the Scottish Labour kagoule door knocking in Springburn last week, I can't really see a way back. I have the challenge of raising 3 children alone to face- at a point in my life when straightening my hair seems futile and too much of an effort.
I have had to hand over all my local political (with a small 'p') work to others and I don't see me being confident or assertive enough to ever take those roles back. I haven't read a newspaper all week and now wonder why I ever thought the kinds of things I did were important.
My answering machine has messages on it from locals defending me after an attack in the local paper- a situation I knew nothing about and couldn't care less about.
For a woman that used to assess many situations in terms of political capital and votes gained when the time came, I am perhaps just getting a glimpse of real life instead of playing the game and maybe it's no less than I deserve?
Besides I have discovered that I am not very resilient and really really don't handle rejection well so perhaps standing as Labour candidate in North East Fife (12500 Lib-Dem majority) is the last thing my battered self-esteem needs..........
Just when you think you're the future of politics....
So yesterday was spent, as is becoming usual for a Saturday, in Springburn, helping with Willie Bains campaign. Yesterday however I took 4 members of the St Andrews uni Labour club with me.
Now I don't think for a minute that I'm going to change the world but I do think that being a real person, with real life experience's behind me makes me useful in the modern political sphere. But I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just being humoured and patronised and what we're really going to end up with are more of the kind of people I had to listen to between St Andrews and Glasgow yesterday (that's nearly a 2 hour journey by the way).
The young men in question were totally without malice and most of them were quite charming and I stress it is not my natural bent to character assassinate the young but.........
During a pit stop for McBreakfast during which I made the polite "what are you studying, where are you from, what do you want to do when you grow up?" type conversation I was met with questions about my personal ethics, attitude towards the environment and care for the health of our children. Not just my own children, as I'm not sure the questioner even bothered to ascertain that I had any, he meant the worlds children. All this for enjoying a hash brown, bacon McMuffin (no cheese) and a latte. I should have ran to the car and drive off alone then when I had my chance.
To be honest the conversation in the car was increasingly getting above my head and my poor knowledge of sustainable development and the political history of Sierra Leone was obvious. When the conversation did get so simple I could engage with it I was left questioning myself more than I normally care to.
A pertinent local issue, the University of St Andrews wish to replace what is currently the cheapest accommodation with what will be the most expensive. A student group (Fair Rents Now) are mounting a protest and they're quite typically young, studenty and maybe a teeny bit naive about it but at the same time- right. I fully support their call for the University to think again and to design facilities aimed at students and widening access as opposed to aiming development at the lucrative conference and tourist market.
One of my travel companions was disgusted by the work of this group and constantly referred to them as "the far left". Now forgive me for thinking (and saying) if students can't be left wing then who can? Apparently I'm "unrealistic" and I "should read more" (he even threw in a couple of recommendations).
....Sigh.....
My travel companions conversation then turned to climate change and how it was the most important thing in the world but people didn't seem particularly concerned. Now considering myself to be "people" or at least one of them, I tried to explain that it would actually be a bit of a luxury to spend a lot of time thinking about climate change. Again, this was the wrong answer and I was duly chastised. I was merely trying to explain if you're day to day is taken up with worries about school, your job, your mortgage, your elderly parents, your broken boiler then if the best you can do to address climate change is a spot of recycling and composting- who's to criticise?
So today as I reflect on yesterday I realise that my political future is probably going to be a lot shorter and a lot less influential than that of those I encountered yesterday. Sure I know my stuff and I can talk to anybody and a lot of the time "I've been there" but I don't do the theory and I think it's unfair to expect people to see the global picture if they're driven to distraction by toothache because they can't find an NHS dentist or they can't watch the news because they're short and can't top up the meter.
Perhaps people like me make good activists but I think you'll find it's people like them that make policy.
I have nothing in common with the young men I met yesterday. We all carry the same membership card and we all claim to subscribe to the same values but that's where it ends.
If it were not for party loyalty I'm not sure they'd vote for me when the time comes but, to be honest I'm not sure I could vote for any of them either.
I'm glad that the rest of my day was taken up with meeting people on the doorstep and talking to other members who are a bit less (*desperately searches for the right word*.....*tries not to use "wanky"*.....*almost writes "middle-class"*)....theoretical or I may have gone home and wept.
Ultimately it was a good day and I felt I'd done my little bit for the cause, even if I'm a little less clear as to what the cause really is.
Perhaps I just feel threatened by the young, even though I can drive, have regular sex and enjoy the X Factor in a non-ironic way. Perhaps I'm idealistic and uneducated and can't see the bigger picture?
I wonder if Amazon sell that book...........
Now I don't think for a minute that I'm going to change the world but I do think that being a real person, with real life experience's behind me makes me useful in the modern political sphere. But I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just being humoured and patronised and what we're really going to end up with are more of the kind of people I had to listen to between St Andrews and Glasgow yesterday (that's nearly a 2 hour journey by the way).
The young men in question were totally without malice and most of them were quite charming and I stress it is not my natural bent to character assassinate the young but.........
During a pit stop for McBreakfast during which I made the polite "what are you studying, where are you from, what do you want to do when you grow up?" type conversation I was met with questions about my personal ethics, attitude towards the environment and care for the health of our children. Not just my own children, as I'm not sure the questioner even bothered to ascertain that I had any, he meant the worlds children. All this for enjoying a hash brown, bacon McMuffin (no cheese) and a latte. I should have ran to the car and drive off alone then when I had my chance.
To be honest the conversation in the car was increasingly getting above my head and my poor knowledge of sustainable development and the political history of Sierra Leone was obvious. When the conversation did get so simple I could engage with it I was left questioning myself more than I normally care to.
A pertinent local issue, the University of St Andrews wish to replace what is currently the cheapest accommodation with what will be the most expensive. A student group (Fair Rents Now) are mounting a protest and they're quite typically young, studenty and maybe a teeny bit naive about it but at the same time- right. I fully support their call for the University to think again and to design facilities aimed at students and widening access as opposed to aiming development at the lucrative conference and tourist market.
One of my travel companions was disgusted by the work of this group and constantly referred to them as "the far left". Now forgive me for thinking (and saying) if students can't be left wing then who can? Apparently I'm "unrealistic" and I "should read more" (he even threw in a couple of recommendations).
....Sigh.....
My travel companions conversation then turned to climate change and how it was the most important thing in the world but people didn't seem particularly concerned. Now considering myself to be "people" or at least one of them, I tried to explain that it would actually be a bit of a luxury to spend a lot of time thinking about climate change. Again, this was the wrong answer and I was duly chastised. I was merely trying to explain if you're day to day is taken up with worries about school, your job, your mortgage, your elderly parents, your broken boiler then if the best you can do to address climate change is a spot of recycling and composting- who's to criticise?
So today as I reflect on yesterday I realise that my political future is probably going to be a lot shorter and a lot less influential than that of those I encountered yesterday. Sure I know my stuff and I can talk to anybody and a lot of the time "I've been there" but I don't do the theory and I think it's unfair to expect people to see the global picture if they're driven to distraction by toothache because they can't find an NHS dentist or they can't watch the news because they're short and can't top up the meter.
Perhaps people like me make good activists but I think you'll find it's people like them that make policy.
I have nothing in common with the young men I met yesterday. We all carry the same membership card and we all claim to subscribe to the same values but that's where it ends.
If it were not for party loyalty I'm not sure they'd vote for me when the time comes but, to be honest I'm not sure I could vote for any of them either.
I'm glad that the rest of my day was taken up with meeting people on the doorstep and talking to other members who are a bit less (*desperately searches for the right word*.....*tries not to use "wanky"*.....*almost writes "middle-class"*)....theoretical or I may have gone home and wept.
Ultimately it was a good day and I felt I'd done my little bit for the cause, even if I'm a little less clear as to what the cause really is.
Perhaps I just feel threatened by the young, even though I can drive, have regular sex and enjoy the X Factor in a non-ironic way. Perhaps I'm idealistic and uneducated and can't see the bigger picture?
I wonder if Amazon sell that book...........
Labels:
activist,
equality,
Labour,
politics,
Springburn,
St Andrews,
students,
Youth
Decision made
I'm going to go for it and attempt to maintain a fairly informative and hopefully entertaining blog.
I also hope at some point to be able to make it look...well....a bit less shit.
Today was a fairly uneventful day, had work which to be honest was a little bit pointless and soul destroying so I'll need to fix that.
The one good thing about work was escaping from the kids for a while- it's the October holidays and I was all parented out- especially as the non-political parent has been away darn sarf this week with work.
Glasgow North-East by-election is now official and I'm going back tomorrow to help with the campaign. I'm a bit excited as I'll be taking some local Labour Students with me. It's been a long hard slog convincing the local University Labour Club that they needed to do any actual work for the party and I got as far as threatening to tear up all the requests for work experience and jobs they submitted before I had a firm commitment to help in the by-election- I bet they love it.
Having horrible sad moments this week as I realise the eldest child is 15 and old enough to be Young Labour, sadly he's just a bit too autistic for all that. :-(
I also hope at some point to be able to make it look...well....a bit less shit.
Today was a fairly uneventful day, had work which to be honest was a little bit pointless and soul destroying so I'll need to fix that.
The one good thing about work was escaping from the kids for a while- it's the October holidays and I was all parented out- especially as the non-political parent has been away darn sarf this week with work.
Glasgow North-East by-election is now official and I'm going back tomorrow to help with the campaign. I'm a bit excited as I'll be taking some local Labour Students with me. It's been a long hard slog convincing the local University Labour Club that they needed to do any actual work for the party and I got as far as threatening to tear up all the requests for work experience and jobs they submitted before I had a firm commitment to help in the by-election- I bet they love it.
Having horrible sad moments this week as I realise the eldest child is 15 and old enough to be Young Labour, sadly he's just a bit too autistic for all that. :-(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)