It’s a year since the non-political parent/catalyst/bastard; let’s call him Stephen, unexpectedly walked out on our ten year relationship, leaving me stunned and heartbroken.
It’s not been the best year for me to say the least.
Perhaps somewhat surprisingly one area of my life that is good is my relationship with Stephen, good enough that he’s sitting next to me on my sofa as I write this.
I am understandably reticent about committing wholly to a relationship with him again but I am glad he is back and he is, for all his faults (and one or two of them were particularly terrible), still the only man I ever envisaged myself growing old with.
Time, hindsight and guilt have changed the nature of our relationship for the better but I’ve yet to decide whether I like the change brought about by my mental illness.
My healthcare team seem to have breathed a collective sigh of relief that there is now “someone else at home”. Today my GP surgery was happy to organise a prescription I needed without ever speaking to me. I suspect they wouldn’t had that prescription been for a physical ailment. At my last hospital admission Stephen was asked if he was happy for them to admit me- the doctor didn’t ask me.
During my previous hospital stays I longed not to be single or not to have parents too far away (geographically or emotionally), I wanted to have someone there for me as a kind of natural advocate. Now I have one I’m not so sure, there is a fine line between advocate and carer and I don’t think I want a carer.
Maybe I just want to not need a carer? I want to be well enough to look after myself and the house and the children. The truth is at the moment Stephen does all of this whilst I hold him at arms length emotionally and refuse to even discuss the prospect of him moving back in. He is my carer- because he cares.
So on the whole, it’s good to have him around, I do love him, I never stopped. A “new” relationship with your ex is much easier than a new relationship with someone new and the kids are living the dream of mum and dad getting back together.