One Year On........

It’s a year since the non-political parent/catalyst/bastard; let’s call him Stephen, unexpectedly walked out on our ten year relationship, leaving me stunned and heartbroken.


It’s not been the best year for me to say the least.

Perhaps somewhat surprisingly one area of my life that is good is my relationship with Stephen, good enough that he’s sitting next to me on my sofa as I write this.

I am understandably reticent about committing wholly to a relationship with him again but I am glad he is back and he is, for all his faults (and one or two of them were particularly terrible), still the only man I ever envisaged myself growing old with.

Time, hindsight and guilt have changed the nature of our relationship for the better but I’ve yet to decide whether I like the change brought about by my mental illness.

My healthcare team seem to have breathed a collective sigh of relief that there is now “someone else at home”. Today my GP surgery was happy to organise a prescription I needed without ever speaking to me. I suspect they wouldn’t had that prescription been for a physical ailment. At my last hospital admission Stephen was asked if he was happy for them to admit me- the doctor didn’t ask me.

During my previous hospital stays I longed not to be single or not to have parents too far away (geographically or emotionally), I wanted to have someone there for me as a kind of natural advocate. Now I have one I’m not so sure, there is a fine line between advocate and carer and I don’t think I want a carer.

Maybe I just want to not need a carer? I want to be well enough to look after myself and the house and the children. The truth is at the moment Stephen does all of this whilst I hold him at arms length emotionally and refuse to even discuss the prospect of him moving back in. He is my carer- because he cares.

So on the whole, it’s good to have him around, I do love him, I never stopped. A “new” relationship with your ex is much easier than a new relationship with someone new and the kids are living the dream of mum and dad getting back together.

A Thoroughly Modern Break-Up

I often marvel at the technological advances in my relatively short lifetime. I remember record players, Sony Walkmans, Atari and being one of only a handful of people in my village who were "on the phone". My newest life experience, being dumped, has opened my eyes to just how technology has affected the way we interact, in a new way, to old situations.

In a week where most face to face or telephone conversations have gone something like this-

Them: Hi, how are you?
Me: fine
Them: really?
Me: yes
Them: really?
Me: no, not really, ohmygodican'tbelieveheleftmeI'msolonelymylifeisruinedidon'tknowwhattodo *sob* *waah*

(which, might I add, has done nothing for my reputation and frightened countless people not used to seeing me in such a state -you know who you are)

........the written word has been my friend. Not my best friend, but it's right up there along with alcohol.

My Facebook wall tells the whole sorry tale with messages of support and (((hugs))) thrown in and much to my surprise it's been a huge source of comfort.

My only complaint with Facebook is the limited scope offered in terms of 'relationship status'.

For the uninitiated, Facebook allows you to display your relationship status and if you are the kind of couple who both use Facebook who you share that status with. So mine currently says

'In a relationship' with 'non-political parent' (well kind of)

In my wisdom the other day I went to change it but was rather disappointed with the offered possibilities.

I could have had 'single' or 'it's complicated' neither of which are really suitable.

Single- makes me sound available at least, if not actually on the pull and for a woman who's been happily pseudo-married for 10 years that just doesn't feel right at all.

It's complicated- well it's not is it? Couldn't be simpler- he doesn't want me anymore and he's gone.

So, there in juxtaposition to the day-by-day, status update by status update narrative of the last week or so I remain 'in a relationship'. The clincher being that when you choose any of the other options Facebook very kindly gives you a "don't cancel relationship" option and I'd be mad not to go for that.......

I am a prolific texter at the best of times but have probably outdone myself this week and email has allowed me to ensure I don't embarrass myself but can inform all those who need to know that I'm too emotionally volatile to engage with life at the moment.

On the whole I'm grateful that I have these tools to help me communicate my grief, especially as I know that these kinds of interaction don't force others to join in. So the feeling that I'm imposing on other peoples non-miserable lives is decreased a little.

The only downside is that a (((hug))) never feels as good as a proper cuddle from someone who cares or who just doesn't know what else to do with the cliche I've become.