Day 2 of my hospital stay and new drug regime and I don’t feel any different (which I expected) I am neither horribly depressed nor happy today.
I don’t feel like I need to be in hospital, not being at one end of the bipolar spectrum or the other and am very close to asking to be discharged (again).
I realised today that these are the tough bits; the easy bits are when I’m so low I’m begging for help and any drug that I think will bring me some relief. Or I’m so high that others decide I need to be somewhere safe.
This period is the true test of how hard I am willing to fight to get better.
I want to be stable and I know that’s going to take a drug change, I also know that hospital is the safest place for that drug change to take place but it’s not the best place in terms of support (massive understatement).
The days are so long in here and punctuated by others dramas, emotions often hang heavy in the air, there is always an atmosphere of some sort and it is rarely one conducive to healing.
I don’t do drama but I do soak up all the emotions around me like some sort of sponge for dysfunction. I’m often left feeling fraught and miserable by the actions of others and I’m fraught and miserable enough thanks to my own emotions.
So I’ve talked myself out of requesting to be discharged for now. To go back to that car crash analogy- I daresay if I was not quite healed from the accident I’d find the hospital a strange and stressful place to be as I recovered, but I wouldn’t think twice about leaving before I was ready.
I do of course reserve the right to change my mind completely by dinner time (or teatime as they insist on calling it here)