In between periods of ‘distress’ which I am supposed to deal with using a combination of mindfulness techniques and if required benzodiazepines, periods of sleep (usually resulting from the benzodiazepines) and periods of writing I have rather a large number of periods where I just have nothing to do.
Everything I had has gone- no job, no Labour party activity, no community group membership, and no social life (that’s not really new!)
I am not ready to get any of these things back, so what do I do with all this time?
At the moment I fill it with housework the odd trip to the gym, spending money I haven’t got, more housework and when I can face going out- walking, but it’s never enough.
There is too much time in my day that just hangs around waiting to be filled and it tends to get filled with unhelpful thoughts and worries, questions that no-one can answer and then I end up back in distress and the whole boring cycle starts again.
I have tried a number of hobbies to occupy me but my inability to concentrate and my constant yearning just to have my old life back before all of this happened means, nothing measures up.
Today I cut my finger open whilst cleaning a yoghurt pot, it is the single most interesting thing that’s happened to me in days but it hurt too much to make it a regular feature.
I do have my violin lesson to look forward to and I am, but it just feels like another strategy to help me fight this illness, something for my mind and hands to do, not necessarily something to derive pleasure form.
I suppose I need to make it different, make it something to look forward to.
I did have a visit from another lovely friend today, I’m trying hard not to let our conversation become a catalyst for a session of beating myself up over all the things I should be doing if I was well.
So I’ll go and put a fresh plaster on my wounded finger. Just be grateful that she visited, we chatted, ate cake, talked about our favourite overnware and I didn't have another 2 hours of nothing to try and fill myself.