So today, I feel a little better.
The temptation as always is to rush to “get back to normal” but normal is a very long way away. I need to be mindful not to set myself up for failure or a return to poor mental health.
I am so far removed from my normal everyday life; it all seems a little overwhelming when I think about it.
I have been a psychiatric inpatient for three weeks now and in that time there’s a lot of things I obviously haven’t done- worked, looked after my own children, driven my car but it’s the little things, that all combine to form the bigger picture of “normal life” that I’ve missed that are more difficult to come to terms with.
I am going home on Friday- for an hour. In this time I will make myself a cup of tea, in a proper cup for the first time in three weeks. I will sit on my own sofa for the first time in three weeks, I will be alone in my own home, for the first time in three weeks, I will wash, dry and put away my own cup and return to the sanctuary from normal that the hospital has unexpectedly become.
When I first came into hospital I couldn’t imagine that it would soon become the only place I felt safe, but it is and I suspect the piece of elastic joining the two of us together will be broken by continued stretching, rather than a quick snip with a pair of scissors.
Going back to the semantics again, this psychiatric hospital has become my asylum.
Anyone who knows me knows I am my own worst enemy and in the absence of external pressure to get things done, I can deliver it from within in bucket loads. I’m getting better and I have discovered self-compassion and I think I am ready to be a little easier on myself.
My wonderful CPN described my experience as a “mental health car crash” and she’s right (again), I need and deserve time to recover fully and in a way that ensures the elastic doesn’t get stretched too far- though I struggle daily with my need to have a nap! My body knows it needs one, my head knows it needs one but I’m never sure whether the same allowances that are made for people recovering from physical illness are extended to those of us recovering from mental illness. I think I just need to decide that yes, they are.
So today is better than yesterday, aside from the shocking infrequency of cups of tea, non-existent wi-fi and the 1970’s catering, this place isn’t too bad; it’s a good place to start my journey.