I’m going to Ikea today, this evening I am going to a friends house where I can assume wine will be taken and nibbles consumed. So today I am doing the kind of things everyone else is doing on a Saturday (hoping they won’t all be in Ikea, Edinburgh). So what has brought about this normalcy?
Have my moods stabilised?- no
Am I less anxious about these events than I was?- no
Am I now ‘getting back to normal’?- no
I’ve simply realised that this isn’t going away, I have got various mental illnesses and I am mentally ill. But I need to figure out how to live with my mental illness instead of fighting it all the time.
So what has forced this change in outlook? Well the realisation that I am fast approaching the eighth month of my illness has ‘helped’. I also had to suffer the indignity of the DLA form last night. I’m don’t feel applying for DLA is undignified, it was listing all the things I can’t do and scrutinising how my illness gets in the way of every aspect of my life that really ‘helped’.
So this morning as I dropped half a bag of sugar and half a pint of milk on my bedroom carpet, I was reminded of my dizziness and shakiness. My trip to Ikea was to be a secret solo one but a loving protective friend has intervened to do the driving and help support me through it.
I am totally dependant on others to do the simplest things- even the crappy things I hate- grocery shopping, school runs, dealing with mail, getting to and through various medical appointments. My memory is very poor so I have a heavy dependence on post-its.
So my life and my appearance appear normal, inside I am as chaotic as ever. My conditions can be treated and my brain chemistry can be stabilised but I doubt I will ever be cured. So I need to put things in place to help me live with it I haven't given up the fight, just chosen a different opponent and amassed a team to help. I'm always looking for new team members so if you see me today, say hi.
If you’re another 1 in 4 I hope you have some things to help you through the next couple of days, I know how hard weekends can be.
PS I ordered my T-shirt!