Today is a better day; too much better, I can barely type as my knees are jiggling underneath my laptop as my body strives to get rid of some energy. I have several choices
- take Lorazepam, dull the high and probably fall asleep at some point
- find something to do (I have already tidied and rearranged furniture this morning)
- as one Twitter friend suggested- go down the pub
The first option always feels like opting out. I suffer through the lows with little or no medicinal support (aside from a very occasional evening of trying to drink it away) and to medicate away a high feels wrong and somehow unjust. Lorazepam does help but I try and save it for the bad highs- the highs that leave my mind spinning and my body agitated and exhausted.
The second option has already seen the younger children’s bedroom furniture rearranged, I did fleetingly consider a bit of gardening but it would be gardening with a chainsaw and my neighbours still haven’t quite forgiven me for the last time (what else to do with a 10 foot Privet?). I could go to the gym but I already stick out a bit there with my 5 minutes on each machine then out approach. I went swimming on a high once, paid full price, got in, swam 10 lengths and got out- all in about 15 minutes.
Option 3 isn’t really an option, not for all the reasons us grown ups usually cite for not being able to spend sunny weekday lunchtimes in the pub but because of my illness and my medication- and because it would be just plain wrong.
So I suppose I’m blogging, so you all know a little of what it feels like in my head at the moment. I want to do so much but in reality can focus to do very little. I need to do my hair but my hands are trembling too much for straighteners to be a wise choice. I want to do something but I have no idea what. Most of the things I come up with are a little fanciful- I am convinced that today is the day I will start to turn my mental illness diaries into a wonderful autobiography that will make my fortune or i will pick up my paintbrushes and create that masterpiece I keep talking about.
The truth is, I can’t do anything. I need to get a few things from the shop but at the moment have retained just enough insight to see that going out in public would be a very bad plan and going out to a shop would be an even badder one! I have no concentration span and can't stop moving, I know that whatever I do, or try to do just won't be enough.
The chances are I will go for option one and take the drugs, it’s a shitty option and I’m not happy about it but when am I ever happy?