Today has been another testing day- youngest child delivered at 8.30am, brought his usual list of 5 year olds demands with him (baking, playing, entertainment) I took him to nursery at 12.30- we walked- he complained, loudly, the whole way.
I went to buy milk and collect my prescription, managed to lose my phone and find out in the worst way possible that the chemist shuts for lunch (!) between 1-2pm. I coped, I phoned my phone and the sweet angel that had found it agreed to drop it off locally for me to collect later. I retreated to the back of Morrisons café with a pot of tea and my little mindfulness notebook where I proceeded to rationalise the seemingly horrific events of the day so far. (I catastrophise?!)
The rest of the afternoon was calmer; I collected my phone left a reward and a thank-you card, wrote a letter I’d been putting off, collected my youngest from nursery and came home.
My lovely friend came round and we talked about a subject I have been valiantly trying to avoid facing- work.
This evening I ended up back at the mindfulness and eventually reached for Lorazepam as panic mounted and a retreat to my bedroom for the rest of the week felt likely.
I am really on my own here.
I like to be independent but it is another thing entirely to have independence foisted upon you. I like my own company but this evening it would have been great to have someone around to help me be mindful or even just someone to put the kettle on, hug me and hand me the tissues (if I ever actually allow myself to cry).
If I’m honest there isn’t anyone specific I want around and if I had anyone around I’d probably just say I was ‘fine’ anyway but god it’s lonely.
So I’m back at the ‘why me’s’ this evening and longing for the day to be over so I can be embraced by drug induced sleep.
I know I can look back on my day and congratulate myself on a job well done but I’d love to just look back on the day and say “yeah this happened, that happened, I did this or that- meh” I just want to have a day, just an ordinary day.