What Happened?

So now I am back in the community and doing my best to recover I am back to attempting all the normal things I used to do. Today I will pick my youngest child up from nursery, something I haven’t done in over two months.



My son Theo, 5 hard at work in my office

I’ve arranged to meet a friend to walk with and that’s where today’s conundrum lies I suppose.

I’ve been ‘missing’ from my community for the best part of 4 months; someone is bound to ask “what happened?”

I don’t know the answer.

I don’t want to say “I had a breakdown”, the overuse of this term over the years has trivialised it and I certainly don’t feel that it communicates the magnitude of my situation at all. (Besides as I’ve already discovered lots of other people have also had ‘breakdowns’ one person told me she had taken 3 weeks off work with her one…..)

I’m not special, far from it but I want to be able to make people understand just what I have gone through and am still to go through. I want people to understand how my life has changed, present and future. I look ok (I think, I hope) and I will no doubt put a brave face on this afternoon. I need others to acknowledge what a huge step this is- collecting my own child from nursery, taking him home and giving him some dinner before his father comes to collect him. (I am still unable to care for all my children at home.)

I want the world to understand and I don’t know how to make it clear and that’s just not like me at all. I'm not sure that I even understand yet, I live my days minute to minute and view my future through my fingers.

Maybe I just need to stop seeking external validation? (do I, do I?!)

I could just hurriedly print out some business cards with my blog address on them; let everyone read about it I suppose……