I wasn’t going to write this post as I wasn’t sure my clumsy somewhat flippant style was suited to such a topic but given that it’s been the overriding symptom today I though I owed it to my own honesty and those in praise of my honesty to broach the subject.
Today again I have felt the desire to just lie down and end it all. I don’t want to kill myself but I would not fight off the grim reaper if he visited in a nice socially acceptable guise.
I have felt suicidal at many many points along my journey so far but I am a mother and therefore suicide is not an option. I have had it drummed into me by my fantastic (yet also sometimes evil and challenging CPN) that it is not an option and I know she is right.
Yet again today, when I thought forward to having Friday night alone my first thought was “hooray, I could kill myself in peace” but I won’t, I can’t.
It is a difficult situation to talk about and I do often wonder if others feel the same way, I feel like I exist only for others, I feel like it’s all too hard for me and I’ve had enough and lost too much for there to be much point in going on for my own sake. But go on I will ever in the pursuit of stability, normality maybe even happiness primarily for my children and hopefully for me.
I am terrified that I will battle on only to end up a good enough parent, good enough at my job and a good enough person. I want to go back to being good at who I was and what I did.
I am praised daily by my lovely friend for how well I’ve done with this that and the other, but I long for the day where I just have a day and it passes without there being the need for praise for getting from the start to the end of it.
So tomorrow I attend my first local support group, I have painted my toenails and chosen my outfit and refused to think much beyond what I will wear for fear that I scare myself off the idea completely.
I have no expectations for tomorrow but I hope that maybe there will be others who understand how it feels like the fight is too much.
I’m not looking for a partner in a suicide pact, just someone else who understands the physical pain that grips your throat each day when you realise another day has begun and you’re still ill.