So in the usual pattern following my last post which was quite accepting of my mental illness I am back to feeling angry, resentful and hard done by.
Not so much “why me?” as “me? No way!”
I’m back to “I can’t do this it’s too difficult” back to wondering if I stopped taking my medication would I return to the seemingly mentally well person I was before?
I’m angry, tired and scared.
Everyday is a fight and I don’t want to do it anymore. The amount of planning that goes into the simplest event is ridiculous and my ability to deal with anything out of the ordinary is non-existent.
Aside from all the normal everyday things I’m trying to find ways to deal with, life continues to throw little spanners not just in my works but in handfuls aimed squarely at my face.
Today’s example is that the bank has failed to process the mortgage payment holiday I requested. I need the mortgage payment holiday as my days of being off sick but still on full pay are rapidly coming to an end. This week was a double whammy- for some reason I didn’t get paid at all and the bank took the mortgage payment as usual.
Previously I would have dealt with this kind of event with ease but in my current state I have to rely entirely on other people to sort things out for me. Part of me wants to scream “I’m not well, you know” and another part of me wants to ‘pull myself together’- I can’t, I’ve tried, hundreds of times.
To use my mental health car crash analogy, I’m out of intensive care but not quite in a stable condition, my whole body still hurts and many of my bones are still broken. I can engage with life quite convincingly for short periods of time but I’ve got a long way to go before I’m 100%.
I survived the car crash (and several cardiac arrests whilst in intensive care) and I intend to get through rehabilitation in one piece but I am frustrated by my limitations, grieving for the way I used to be and angry at the world. It all sounds perfectly reasonable when using the car crash analogy; I wish I could get the world to understand.