I saw my GP this morning and this afternoon I saw my CPN and my psychiatrist. Aside from a small change in medication they’re all backing off- no more daily visits or weekly appointments.
My prize for doing so well on my own last week is to be, well, on my own!
I’m not on my own of course; my GP is there when I need her. My CPN is coming back next week (and more than happy for me to get in touch in between should I need to) and even my (still looking for the right adjective*) psychiatrist can be accessed should need be.
Naturally I am terrified!
I am in control of my own recovery and I’m still not convinced that I am ready.
My personality dictates that I also interpret this move as an indication that it’s time for me to get a grip and get back to work and ‘back to normal’.
I still don’t feel ready to do either.
I don’t quite know what to do next on my recovery path, (maybe drawing up some sort of recovery path?) I don’t really know who to ask for help. I have some support but feel I need more, different support but I don’t know what.
I don’t know what’s expected of me now, I don’t know what I’m expected to do, how I’m expected to do it.
I don’t know much.
What I do know is that financially I can’t really afford much more time off work. (I daren’t even think about the damage this illness had done to my “career”)
I know the school holidays are only 3 weeks away.
I know I have booked a few days away with the children on my own in 5 weeks time.
I know I have a long way to go and I know I’m going to need all the help I can get- I just have to go and get it.
*I am toying with ironical as she asked me today if I “kept a diary?”