So another week into my journey back to full mental health and I’m still here, not doing any better or worse, suspecting and fearing I need another drug tweak.
There have been no major achievements this week but plenty of minor ones that add up to some sort of success in terms of my eternal pursuit of normality.
One thing I did this week was have a flick through some of the diaries I kept whilst I was in hospital- wow! I was off my head, I hate to use the term but thank god I was in hospital, the real world is not a safe place for someone feeling the way I was. I hope I never get that ill again and I hope if I do I or someone close to me can spot it early enough.
Having others around me has become very important and something I am aware I have to work at.
I don’t dislike people and there are some people I like very much but I am very guilty of not giving enough of myself for fear they won’t like me. Given that the vast majority of people cannot read my mind, I come across as stand-offish and perhaps even a little scary.
This has served me well so far in a number of situations but had proved to be a bit of a problem lately when I really need people to care for and about me. I continue to brush off any concerns, tell everyone I’m fine and quickly turn the conversation onto them. It’s a skill but one I have to unlearn if I’m going to build the support network I need to help me get and stay healthy.
I need to stop second guessing the intentions of others and stop making assumptions about what others are thinking- the chances are if they’re sitting on my sofa talking to me- they care about me and I need to let them do it.
Being open, admitting I need support is not a weakness, it is a strength, I only stand to gain from it.
But like everything else, this prickly exterior has taken 35 years to cultivate so it’s not going to change overnight.