Today I went to a local psychiatric day hospital; it was my first day of attendance and my last.
I got collected by the ‘bus’ (ambulance) later than expected this morning- I was irked but resolved to forgive.
I arrived and followed the crowd by signing in.
I stood alone in the hallway and after 5 minutes or so plucked up the courage to go into the office and speak to the woman who had spent the previous 5 minutes watching me stand there, tearing up. I said “this is my first day and I don’t know what to do”. She showed me to the ‘sitting room’ and said “just go in here a nurse will be along shortly”. So, I did.
I sat, and sat, I went outside and walked laps of the garden then came back in and sat some more.
I’d sat for just short of an hour when a man from the local authority came in to talk about ‘home safety’ he was introduced by a member of nursing staff who then left. The man offered “home safety checks for vulnerable people like yourselves, we don’t discriminate” he reassured the group. The home safety check on offer included looking for trip hazards and dodgy electrical cables “stuck together with insulating tape”.
I left.
I am acutely aware that I am capable of being very judgemental so I tried very hard this morning to give the day hospital a fair chance. I didn’t want to go but the lure of actual therapy; maybe someone to talk to, someone to listen and some help to get me back on my feet proved enough to get me in there- and that was what was promised.
Maybe if I’d stuck around until after the home safety talk I would’ve got something out of it but there is only so long I can sit and feel ignored. I can sit at home and ignore my emotional needs in comfort.
I won’t be going back.
I am a 34 year (and 364 days) old woman with a job and family I need to get back to. My home is safe, for now- I have a mortgage payment holiday in place.
Trip hazards and dodgy wiring are way down my list of priorities somewhere after getting my medication right and being able to care for all my own children on my own again. In fact I think trip hazards and dodgy wiring come way, way down the list.
I am trying very hard not to rush myself into a false recovery but I don’t feel I have much option. I’m not going to get the therapy I want and feel I need I just have to hope that I can get and stay healthy or get rich enough to go private next time