Thanks to some timely advice, during which a bit of a cry was dragged from my austere demeanour. Early yesterday evening I took some Lorazepam and Zopiclone and slept through the urge to lie down and give up- I did lie down, for 12 hours and slept the ignorant sleep of the drugged.
Today has begun, as days are wont to do and I feel a little better, so far.
The children are elsewhere so my morning has been leisurely so far involving only my daily battle with iTunes and numerous cups of tea.
I am hoping to keep my spirits up today as I am due to spend the evening with my lovely friend and I want to avoid spending the evening crying at her.
I don’t ‘do’ crying, not because I don’t need to, I’ve spent all week on the verge of tears- (the kind of mood where asking for cashback in Morrisons is done in a trembly voice) and I don’t know why I can’t or won’t cry.
So instead I avoid it, talk about anything other than myself and if I’m not ‘fine*’ I am ‘ok*’
I think I want to cry, but I want to really do it properly a big full-on snot and tears, hours and hours of sobbing and wailing type cry but this would make me very bad company.
I had another lovely friend visit yesterday and she probably went away totally bemused as I skirted round any mention of the fact I am ill in any way.
I don’t mind others crying on me, in fact I’m rather good at mopping up other peoples tears and I don’t see crying as a weakness, perhaps except in myself?
Not so much a weakness as a way in maybe? Crying is most likely to happen when I’m talking about difficult subjects and who wants to talk about them?
*fine- anything but fine, possibly suicidal
*ok- very depressed