Today has been the first full day of caring solely for my youngest child alone for some time, he arrived sometime yesterday afternoon in time for birthday cake and general high-spiritedness and slotted in well.
Aside from a small set-to at bedtime due to different routines imposed on him by myself and his father it all went very well. He went to sleep (eventually) in his own bed and woke in mine as has been the norm for 5 years now.
This morning he tolerated the wait whilst I had my usual gallon of tea then we went for a swim. After our swim we came home briefly then went to the park, then in to town to visit a friend at work then on to a local café for lunch, popped into a few shops then home again.
By which time I was physically and emotionally worn out. He wasn’t.
The afternoon was less harmonious with lots of “I hate you” (him) and tantrums (me and him). I couldn’t get anything right and my complete inability to engage in imaginative play obviously annoyed him. He hurt his hand and sobbed as though he’d severed an artery, I negotiated time to write an email he spent the whole time swinging on the door handle asking was I “done emailing yet?” He painted a picture in about 40 seconds; it took me longer to clean up. We played marbles and lost most of them under the sofa, they were my marbles and now some of them are lost.
By the time my lovely friend responded to my distress call at 5pm I was close to tears (in fact I think one sneaked out on her shoulder when she hugged me) and I was convinced I am the worst mother in the world.
One cup of tea (me) and some very wise words later (lovely friend) I realised I am not the worlds worst mother, just a mother.
Today was never going to be easy (nursery is closed) regardless of the current circumstances of my family and what we’ve all been through.
The truth is my son is fine and perfectly at home at home and with me. I am no better or worse a mother than I was before I got ill, I still love nursery and hate Moon Sand, I still encourage bug collecting and discourage Mr Men books I still love all of my children and continue to do my best for them- and for them I will continue to get well.
Even if they are completely ungrateful…………